grandma shit on top of the toilet
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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