Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize