i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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