Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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