Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
