i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I fill condoms, not promises.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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