Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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