WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
