Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
