the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize