apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
