i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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