i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize