I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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