so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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