A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize