All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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