At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
