the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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