We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
