i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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