Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
