I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i now understand why vodka
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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