I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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