did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
