Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
