Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
