Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
This house was built for laser tag.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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