I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
