My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
