Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
