it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize