Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
try to milk me bitch
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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