I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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