he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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