I'm gonna have a badass scar
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
