She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
