She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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