Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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