I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
