6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
