Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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