can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
