before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
