Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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