Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
