Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Who died my cat blue again?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
