Someone shit on the floor
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
