Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
