The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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