You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
