Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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