i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
