thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
