just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
