mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
