my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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