and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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