I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
