Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
