those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
