I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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