Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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