Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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