Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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