Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
