I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he was CRYING into my vagina
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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