You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
