my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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