Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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