omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
